So much has been written on grief—the things I write are nothing new. I know that. However, my daughter was like no other. Each one of us is unique; therefore, grief is unique to each person who experiences it. Though there are similarities we all share in this journey, it is still a highly personal, individual experience. Perhaps, this is partially why it is often such a lonely trajectory.
After two and a half years, the pain I continue to feel on a daily basis is excruciating—and that is putting it lightly. Like a never-ending storm, it eases up for a time, but always comes back with vengeance. I miss her so much… There are just no words to express this heartache.
My heart literally aches for my daughter. I long to hold her in my arms, and tell her how much I love her and miss her. I long to laugh with her, and make merry with our music. I long to hear her voice, as she tenderly calls me her “little mommy.” There are many days I feel so completely lost without her, that I do not even know where to begin…
In these moments, I have learned to simply “embrace the suck.” There is nothing to be done—no fix to this terrible dilemma. So many of life’s problems have solutions in time, but this one has no cure, nor hope for a cure… It just hurts, and it keeps on hurting.
By embracing the suck—which in essence is allowing myself to feel the pain, and not fight it—I find I am able to continue forward in a more honest fashion. The window through which I peer becomes gradually less muddied. Ironically, my tears are “cleansing the glass” so I can better see what pathway lays before me—howbeit painful.