Imagine being in a big hole that is at least as deep as you are tall… It is physically impossible to see what lies beyond the hole. This is the situation that I have repeatedly found myself in since Josie’s death.
While it is true that by putting our focus on others and attempting to not wallow in our own problems is a big help for many, I have found it to be unrealistic. The “hole” is so deep and the sides are so steep, I often cannot even see beyond my immediate realm…
So how does one get out of such a predicament? Is it through the efforts of others—trying to extract us from this hole? Or is it something we have to climb out of on our own? Or is it only through the grace of God that we are lifted out of its depths? I believe it is all of these things.
I compare this hole to a serious wound or injury, on top of some other wound or injury. Let’s say someone crashes while riding their bike… They break their arm, and get severe road rash on all their other limbs. Do they feel the road rash? NO. They only feel the broken bone.
As I stumble around with my broken heart, much of the pain and struggle that makes up every day living goes largely unnoticed. It bothers me when I cannot fully feel the pains of others due to my own numbness, and inability to focus on anything beyond this “hole.”
When my dear Aunt Cindy died tragically, and unexpectedly, last November, I wanted to cry and grieve over her so badly, but I was already in so much pain that I could not muster enough emotion to grieve in the way my heart desired. As time passes, I find those emotions coming out—howbeit very delayed. It feels odd, indeed.
There is a certain energy needed and required to grieve. There is also a certain energy needed to pray for others and to concern oneself with others. I am largely deficient at this time with all these energy types… This is when my Father in Heaven speaks peace to my mind and reassures me that, for today, I am enough.