I Exist

I hurt all over, and yet I am numb. I believe I have hit a wall… How can I feel every little thing and absolutely nothing at the same time? What is this emotion called? Does it have a name? Does it have a “classification” in some expert’s book? I would like to know…

When once I felt an impulse, a momentum of sorts, to keep pressing, I am now at a dead stand-still. My heart hurts. My breath is shallow and labored. My eyelids could close, and never open again. The swelling pressure of my over-exerted, little brain aches incessantly. This shell that houses my ancient being is near collapse.

I am so very weary…

I exist, because time keeps ticking, my heart keeps beating, and these lungs continue to draw new breath. I exist, because I must… I have not been released. It is not God’s will.

But I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to stay…

Everything just hurts all over, and then it does not—

ALL IS NUMB.

My ears hear nothing—the silence is deafening.

I am just here—EXISTING.

But then, I begin to long to live again!!!

but then, it just hurts again…

There are moments, and even days on end, when I scarcely can remember what it was like to feel whole and complete… My HOME is no longer!!!!! I struggle to keep the broken pieces that are left together, that they might bear at least some resemblance to the memory of what once was—memories now treacherously at risk of fading away…

I continue, because I exist. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I am here, but not really. I am there, but not really. I simply exist—not here, not there. I am everywhere and nowhere.

I just exist… for now.