It has been a never ending journey since my precious baby girl passed—just over two years ago. Some days it feels as though it was only this morning that I hugged her goodbye just before dropping her off at the university. I cannot express how radiant and beautiful she was on her last day, and I even told her so much… I miss everything about that sweet girl—from the annoying way she would crunch her carrots, to the loud bursts of laughter that would often overtake her… from her graceful soft hands, to her warm, comforting embraces. She was everywhere I turned, it seemed—always there to share a laugh, or a complaint, or a thoughtful moment. She was my helper, my friend, my little girl and big girl all at once. Words are not sufficient to express the embodiment of what her soul was and is, and the great space she continues to fill in my forever broken heart.
Some days are harder than others. I tend to call them “sad” days. These are the days when I am missing her so badly, that it is all I can do to just get through without crying at every turn. Yes, crying is healthy they say, but it also hurts. There are times when I try my best to not cry, because it ends up causing me true physical pain… I try to just let these moments come and go as they please. Sometimes I wake up feeling as though my heart is too broken to continue beating, and all I can do is focus on breathing. This can last for several days, until I wake up one morning to find the cloud has suddenly lifted. It is always a very odd, but welcome relief.
There is no rhyme or reason that is apparent to me about the strange predicament of the bereaved. It just is… The deeper we have loved, the deeper rooted is our pain and grief. For those who have a hope and faith that we will one day be reunited with our dear ones, this is of comfort, but it in no way replaces the agony we feel from the void of the parting one’s absence. Though I often feel my daughter near unto me, I will forever long to hold her close… And for this ailment, there is no cure. It is something we must learn to endure.