A very long time. That’s how long Josie has been gone… Today came laced with a lot of courage and motivation from Above. There is so much I want to express and share, but the moment I begin writing, it’s as if somehow it all becomes jumbled in my mind. However, my heart is full of hope. As I soldier on, I believe there is purpose in all this pain and suffering. Placing my trust in the Lord, I know He will not lead me astray, nor will He let me down.
These writings serve a great need of mine to speak, since I often withhold expression so as to hide the true depth of my pain. I do not like burdening others with this heaviness I must bear; nonetheless, I share for fear that others whom might be struggling with similar pains would get the impression that I am somehow stronger than they are, or somehow less affected.
Josie’s death has cut me to the core…. My heart has bled until it ran dry. I have had many moments of fear in which I thought I might die myself, because my heart could no more… The only reason it has continued to serve me, is because I made a conscious decision that I wanted to live, and God has made it so. This is a decision I constantly remind myself, too.
Just when I start to get a little blood flowing through this damaged heart of mine, thinking I can do this, it invariably starts skipping beats on me again… It is a never-ending process it seems, but my only options are to keep struggling to live or to simply let go…The latter would be oh, so easy, but my remaining children are far too precious for me to ever let go!!! They are, indeed, my very life-line. I will not fail them—God so willing. Besides, I know Josie is ever-near, and waiting for us all at the finish line! She is somewhere up ahead—not behind.