Days, weeks, and months seem to meld together in such a way that life seems to exist inside a time-warp. If ever life made sense before, it does not now!!! The only thing that is certain is the indescribable ache in my heart. One foot in heaven, and one foot here, I find it impossible to know exactly where I stand. Is life really just an illusion? I sense my son’s presence—definitely not an illusion!!! The world beyond my front door seems relentlessly hurried and busy to get “stuff” done, but is any of this stuff even necessary or real? The heavens seem to suggest otherwise.
Previously, I had categorized every event in my life as “before Josie died,” and “after Josie died.” It is strange to say that since my sweet Julian’s passing, I compare and contrast everything I am experiencing as either “the first time,” or “this time.” It is unfathomable that I should even know what losing one child feels like—let alone having to re-experience it all over again. I should not know what this feels like; I should not have a prior knowledge of what to expect in this “process!!!” And yet, I do…
Even eating does not seem altogether necessary—except when I finally start to feel faint. Hours pass, and it feels like an eternity, and yet but a fraction of a second all at the same time. Waiting, watching, and listening… I hear my babies’ voices from time to time, and feel an enveloping warmth wrapping lovingly around my shattered heart—ensuring divine reinforcement. This place between two worlds has captured me entirely and completely!!!
I hate the word “process.” I am tired of this ride. I want to have my family all together again… I want my home “whole.” Instead, I am trapped somewhere in the middle—not able to be here, nor there. I can barely cry, or laugh, or feel… I am empty and numb. Sometimes a heartfelt smile wells up from deep within, but those moments seem as fleeting as the warm breeze on both edges of winter.
When Josie died, I suffered from insomnia for many months on end, waiting for her to miraculously appear before me… She always felt so very close!!! It was hard to close my eyes most nights, because I just knew if I did I might miss her—but it never happened. When my health began to suffer, I had to work extra hard to try and find ways to get the rest that I so desperately needed. It took a LOT of discipline!!!
This time, five years later, I am wise enough to know that sleep is essential, and if my angels do happen to appear, I am certain they will somehow wake me for the “big event!!!” However, I am also experienced enough to understand that God works in His own ways, and according to His own schedule… Therefore, I could potentially be waiting a really, really, really long time!!! Perhaps for now, it is in my best interest to just close my weary eyes and get some rest instead!
As exhaustion overtakes me, I give in to the relentlessness of the physical realm; my shell needs to restore and recharge itself. I close my eyes knowing that my spirit is now free to connect with my babies in that world of dream—not quite all the way there, but also not totally here. It is hard to say how long I will wander in this land of neither here nor there, but my momma heart tells me I will probably always wander between these two worlds until my home is “whole” again—wherever, whenever, and however that may be…